I'm dreaming of a bronze Sentinel

We should dream like Beethoven's Eroica but act like Glen Gould playing Bach's Goldberg Variations.

Dream grand. Act with deliberate subtlety.

This analogy came to mind during my decision not to buy the Sentinel; a statue by Leonard Baskin. It was grand to think of buying it. It was grand to think of how it might inspire me. But ultimately, I must act with more prudence.

I cannot afford it. Some might argue that I don't want to afford it. That I don't want to make any and all sacrifices necessary to afford it. Yes, I will agree even with that.

I am a renaissance man. I enjoy so many things in life. And I am mediocre at a number of skills. (My favorite movie scene is in Amadeus where Salieri is in the loony bin at the end and being wheeled around in a chair while he makes the sign of the cross in front of his fellow residents, saying "I absolve you of mediocrity.")

I am not the arrow: I don't want to be doing just one thing in my life and sacrifice all else for that. I used to think I did. I used to think I wanted to be the publisher of a small town weekly newspaper until it was time to wrap me in it. But after five years, my soul felt trapped by that life and I needed something new.

I used to think I could be a novelist some day. But I didn't have the emotional stamina or determination or perhaps peace of soul to commit myself to the requisite self-incarceration to pursue that.

For seven years I took over my family's manufacturing company and was Captain of Industry to 150 employees and $10 in sales. It was grand fun. Thank god we went bankrupt on the shoals of globalization and cheap Chinese imports. Thank god, because if not, I would have had to one day admit that even such fun would be routine.

I am not made for routine nor the single task.

If I were, then perhaps I would be the quiet, steady artist that would make all sacrifices necessary to buy the Sentinel, set him on my study shelf, like Poe's raven, and write as well as he, and do nothing else; nevermore.

But as it is, I want to circumnavigate the Atlantic with my sailboat. I want to see more performances by Cirque du Soleil. I could see myself tempted to get a motorcycle again some day. I want to see more of America, like the Badlands. I want to eat unusual food in distant cities. I think about overcoming my fear of scuba diving. I imagine that a hot air balloon ride over the flaming fall mountains of Vermont would be amazing. I want to be able to afford college and presents for my daughter.

All this will take money that I am unwilling to sacrifice in exchange for a bronze statue.

Baskin will have to be my Eroica. And the rest of my interests my Goldberg Variations.